By:AW

Published in Unicorn Press. Editor: Nancy Border & Pat
Hayden.

You can buy it from Unicorn Press @
http://members.aol.com/UnicrnPrs/press.htm

Disclaimer: You know it, I know it, I don’t own idea
of Star Trek: Voyager. I just own the story.

Date With Destiny I

8. Kathryn’s Hope II

Why? Kathryn looked at her mother. “Why did I suffer? Why did I let myself get put through the torture? Why didn’t I let him love me while I had the chance? What are you asking me mom?” Kathryn was yelling at this point. “Mom I couldn’t. I couldn’t because of the rules Starfleet put in front of me. I couldn’t because of who I was. I couldn’t because I was afraid of getting hurt. Well mom, looks like my worries and fears were well founded. And now all I ant to do is get over it and go on with what little bit of a life I have left.”

Her mother tried to comfort and console her. She reached for her, she tried to touch her, but Kathryn shrugged off the action. “No mom. I need to do this on
my own. I need to get over this. I have to do this for me.”

Her mother looked into the worried and horrified eyes, the defiant eyes of her daughter’s father. “When you’re ready to accept this life Kathryn…Talk to me.”

With that last lasting impression Gretchen unceremoniously threw the tickets at her daughter’s feet leaving Kathryn alone with the silence of her own mind.

Eventually, Kathryn saw the method in her mother’s madness. After lying there, after dealing, after dreaming she went to see the show. It had been so long since she had done something just for the fun of it, but there was still a hole in her heart the size of the Delta Quadrant. Chakotay was gone, her life as a Starfleet Captain was over. They had made it back to the Alpha Quadrant only to have everything ripped away from her. She had lost everything, or as far as she was concerned she had. She had failed to see that she was still letting one person down, herself.

Her mother put with Kathryn’s moping for a week. She had made her leave, and Kathryn did go out. She did get exposed to other things besides the inside of her mother’s house, but she still wasn’t the Kathryn Janeway her mother had always k known and loved. She had lost the stubbornness and the pride that was the Janeway trait. She had give up hope it seemed. Kathryn had lost her life to the Delta Quadrant, and to those people who had not just stripped her rank but her love and her life.

Kathryn felt a black hole had engulfed her. She lived but not really. She breathed but not really. She loved but not really. Sure she loved her mother with all her heart for she had been the one who had raised her and nurtured her and been there when Kathryn had had no one else. After her father’s and Justin’s death she had been the one to look after her…but this was not the love she needed or lacked. She remembered their outing, hers and her mother’s. The play had hither harder than she had thought it would. She didn’t like to admit it, or to feel sorry for herself, but the one song, sung by Epinine, had hit her particularly hard. It had hit too close to home; it had described her feelings of loneliness and sorrow more accurately than anything she had ever heard. She remembered the words and the actions of the lonely girl on the stage before her.

On my own, pretending he’s beside me.
All alone I walk with him ‘til morning.
Without him I feel his arms around me.
And when I lose my way I close my eyes and he has
found me.

This was what she felt. No matter where she was, no matter what she did, she felt his presence. Why did you leave me Chakotay? Why did you give up on me when I needed you most? After the play she had gone for a walk. In the pouring rain, she had felt the emotions wash away, even if only for a moment in time. It was like that day all those years ago after she had lost her tennis match. Poor Kathryn. Kathryn who couldn’t stand to lose, who couldn’t stand to be wrong.

In the rain, the pavement shines like silver.
All the lights are misty in the river.
In the darkness the trees are full of starlight.
And all I see is him and me forever and forever.

She pictured herself as the martyr, the victim of unfortunate circumstances. She saw her life as a waste. It was no longer worth living. She had walked
by the river, the words of the song fresh in her mind. She had traveled over the bridge and thought about ending it all. All it would take was a large leap, a
leap of faith, but she had not been able to do it.

And I know it’s only in my mind
That I’m talking to myself and not to him.

She had realized it was not him she was talking to. It was not his wish to hurt her this badly; she had to believe it. She had to think that after all the years
of her denying him what he had wanted, he had not just turned his back on her. He had not just left. But he had, in her mind she could believe what she wanted but the reality hit her, and she k new it was over. Voyager was gone, a memory of times that were…

And although I know that love is blind.
Still I say there’s a way for us.

And I do know there’s a way for us. There has to be.
Even if it’s only in my mind.

I love him, but when the night is over,
He is gone, the river’s just a river.
Without him the world around me changes.
The trees are bare and everywhere the streets are full
of strangers.

I love him but every day I’m learning
All my life I’ve only been pretending
Without me his world will go on turning
The world is full of happiness that I have never
known.

She remembered the last words of the song. There was truth in them, but at the same time there were untruths too. She had known happiness; it had come in the form of her love and alliance with Chakotay. She realized that tears were streaming down her face, and she thanked the gods who looked upon her that it was raining and her weakness would not be revealed.

She sang the last words out loud, making them sound to her more real…making her feel more alive.

“I love him,
I love him.” (1)

She thought about the last phrase. For her the most powerful and the most painful…and the most true. “I love him, but only on my own.”

She had loved and had lost and would never love any other like she had him, never again.

/\/\

Chakotay adjusted slowly to his life with Section 31, as a spy. That’s what he was, a spy. He looked upon the work the Cardassians had done. He watched the Dominion’s every move. He had learned not long after hi boarding the Excelsior that Harry Kim had been the one on Voyager who had been assigned to work with him. That at least offered him some comfort. He knew Harry would never betray him, he knew Harry would always be his friend…no matter what.

Life had been hard for Harry; it had not treated him kindly. Since returning from the Delta Quadrant nearly a month ago, the young man had seen horrors beyond anything one as young as he should be exposed to. He seemed to age and mature before Chakotay’s very eyes, and Harry’s eyes lost the innocent sparkle they had once held. He knew the young man would never be the
same again, and he hated life for doing this to all of them, and for making his love, Kathryn Janeway abandon him and give up their shared dream of a life together forever more.

According to his sources, Kathryn had been granted the rank of Admiral and was in charge of overseeing many things at Starfleet headquarters. Her work was at a higher classification than his was, so he never heard from her. He missed her, but he realized she had given up on that life, the life they had started. For he had loved and lost and would never love any other like he had her, never again.

Tom and B’Elanna had both been reintegrated into Starfleet. They had been wed, and were both stationed aboard the Voyager B with Tuvok as the Captain. B’Elanna often times wondered what had happened to Kathryn Janeway and Chakotay. She had found peace with Tom, and she hoped that they had too. Her former commanding officers belonged together, no matter what anyone said. It was weird though, the two of them had disappeared off the face of the earth since their arrival at Earth all of five weeks ago…so had Harry. Neither Tom no B’Elanna had yet to hear from any of them, and although they were happy to be home, a large part of them was missing.

/\/\

Tom suggested something to B’Elanna upon learning of their impending parenthood. He had wanted to name Kathryn and Chakotay godparents of their son. They had found out it was a boy she carried, and they already
loved him. Despite her initial lack of luck with her animal guide, B’Elanna had eventually made amends with him and had visited him yesterday, asking to know of their friends’ fates. She had not gotten an answer from the small animal, but simply a feeling of dread, and contempt. It was from this that she drew the conclusion that they were not happy, any of them. The problem was she had no idea how to help them or bring her former commanding officers the happiness they deserved after the uncertainty and the danger and sometimes the apparent hopelessness of their trip through the Delta Quadrant, and they deserved happiness…all of them.

/\/\

Kathryn finally felt the healing begin. She knew that her heart would never be completely healed. It was impossible to love as she had, suffer a loss like hers
and completely mend the hole it left behind. So she continued her life, as an incomplete person, but at least she had re-entered the world of the living. She
found a certain amount of peace in the work she performed. She had become a researcher a consultant and from time to time and had even worked for
Starfleet as completely ludicrous as it was; it have her a chance to explore and to regain some of who she was.

It had been a year now since their arrival home and one-day she had been walking through the park in San Francisco where she spent many a day as a cadet. She had walked into a pavilion and heard a song playing. It sounded oddly familiar, but at the same time it sounded strange to her ears.

Take a look at my body
Look at my hands
There’s so much here that I don’t understand
Your face-saving promises
Whispered like prayers
I don’t need them.

‘Cause I’ve been treated so wrong,
I’ve been treated so long
As if I’m becoming untouchable.

The song dredged up old memories. Memories of a life she had been forced to leave, but had never completely let go of. She was angry with herself and at the world for doing this to her. She had always done everything by the book, but it hadn’t saved her. She looked at the display in the pavilion; it was a myriad of Afghans that were spread out. She found a beautiful blue one. It reminded her of Voyager and of space and of everything she had lost over the years. She looked closely at the design in the top right hand corner, it looked like Chakotay’s tattoo. No it didn’t look like his tattoo it was an exact replica.

As she investigated the crevices and the details of the work in front of her, she continued listening to the background music which had invaded her senses.

Well, contempt loves the silence, it thrives in the dark
With fine winding tendrils that strangle the heart
They say that promises sweeten the blow
But I don’t need them, no, I don’t need them.

No I don’t need them. I don’t need anyone. She looked at the upper left-hand corner of the afghan, the symbol was a Starfleet emblem, and it looked like her long ago communicator. The design had changed since her time as a Captain, but this one was like hers…she looked on…

I’ve been treated so wrong,
I’ve been treated so long
As if I’m becoming uncouchable

I’m a slow-dying flower
I’m a frost-killing now
Sweet turning sour and untouchable.

The strong, the untouchable Kathryn Janeway. She saw the symbol, which was an Indian symbol for the wolf…his spirit guide. He had never said it out loud, but she had seen the wolf in her dreams. The beautiful gray wolf and she was always there, beside her little lizard. Slow dying flower. Yes Kathryn was slipping away slowly and it seemed that each day that went by took at little piece of her with it.

Oh I need the darkness, the sweetness, the sadness, the weakness,
Oh I need this
Need a lullaby, a kiss goodnight, angle sweet love of my life,
Oh I need this.

She heard the music, she saw the blanket, and she saw a picture in the middle. There was a picture that looked oddly enough like Voyager, and there was an
angel…two pictures that complimented each other but were also a contradiction in so many ways. The old and the new, the concrete and the spiritual…Kathryn and Chakotay.

I’m a slow-dying flower
Frost-killing now,
The sweet turning sour and untouchable

Do you remember the way that you touched me before
All the trembling sweetness I loved and adored
Your face-saving promises
Whispered like prayers
I don’t need them

I need the darkness, the sweetness, the sadness, the weakness
Oh I need this
I need a lullabye, a kiss goodnight, angle, sweet love of my life,
Oh I need this

I need you Chakotay.

Well, is it dark enough
Can you see me
Do you want me
Can you reach me
Oh I’m leaving

Then shut your mouth, and hold your breath
You kiss me now, you catch your death
Oh I mean this,
Oh I mean this (2)

She had tears streaming down her face now…how did this person manage to so accurately depict her and Chakotay’s relationship…and why? She felt a presence near her and looked up. “Samantha?”

The woman spun around at the sound of her former Captain’s voice. “Captain?”

Samantha looked into Kathryn’s eyes and saw the pain and anguish. What gave they done to you?

Kathryn felt like a ghost had come to haunt her. “Samantha. Why did you make that one?” Kathryn pointed to the afghan that had caught her eye.

“Captain…”

“It’s Kathryn now.”

Samantha looked uncomfortable but responded. “Kathryn…no one had heard from either of you in a long time. I wanted to make something that would remind us…all of us of who you were and what you had done for the crew. So I made this.” Samantha pointed to the lovely blanket. “I’m sorry if I insulted you, or if I did something that makes you uncomfortable. You know,
no one that wasn’t a part of your crew would know…”

Kathryn looked at Samantha. “It’s alright. I don’t mind. And I’m actually touched that you would do this. But I was wo0ndering if I could buy it?”

Samantha looked at Kathryn. “Oh…you can have it. Consider it a gift from the crew who wants to thank you for everything.” Samantha handed Kathryn the blanket.

“Thanks Samantha. It means a lot to me. I have to get going.”

Samantha looked after the woman. “So where are you staying? I mean if you’re in town and you’d like to come over for supper…I mean if you want to…I was wondering…are you okay?”

Kathryn let a smile touch her lips. “I’ll be around Samantha.”

With that, Kathryn walked out of her life for a second time. She hoped Kathryn spoke words of truth. For Kathryn’s sake.

TBC in Chapter 9. Learn to be Still

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