By:AW

Published in Unicorn Press. Editor: Nancy Border & Pat
Hayden.

You can buy it from Unicorn Press @
http://members.aol.com/UnicrnPrs/press.htm

Disclaimer: You know it, I know it, I don’t own idea
of Star Trek: Voyager. I just own the story.

Date With Destiny II

of Star Trek: Voyager. I just own the story.

14. Ever Present Doubts

When I was young
I never needed anyone
And making love was just for fun
Those days are gone
Livin’ alone
I think of all the friends I’ve known
When I dial the telephone
Nobody’s home

All by myself
Don’t wanna be
All by myself
Anymore

Had to be sure
Sometimes I feel so insecure
And loves so distant and obscure
Remains the cure

All by myself
Don’t wanna be
All by myself
Anymore
All by myself
Don’t wanna be
All by myself
Anymore

When I was young
I never needed anyone
And making love was just for fun
Those days are gone

All by myself
Don’t wanna be
All by myself
Anymore
All by myself
Don’t wanna live
By myself, by myself
Anymore
By myself
Anymore
All by myself
Don’t wanna live
I never, never, never
Needed anyone (15)

Until now…

Kathryn had fallen into a deep depression. She lived from day to day, waiting for a miracle; waiting for an impossibility; waiting for something that would never happen. Just waiting.

I could have been so happy, if only I could have seen beyond the bow of the ship. If only I could have seen past my own insecurities. If only…

She lay down and cried, she cried, as it seemed she had for most of the past three months. She remembered the time she had spent pregnant. The feel of their child within her moving. The hope and the joy for a better time. The realization, that this would all one-day end, and some day soon.

Kathryn had lived, Kathryn had loved, and Kathryn had lost. The worst possible outcome for a life full of joy. What had happened? At what point had she lost sight of who she was and who she would be? When had she decided that she would not follow the path of a family and a home and a heart? Had she made it for a valid reason? Or, were her decisions made out of fear? She knew the answer. She hated who she had become, she hated what she had done, but most of all she hated the fact that she had robbed herself of a life full of happiness and promise for the days to come. That day, as she walked by the shores on Santos VI she made a decision. She made a final entry for whoever might find it, and approached the ledge, ready to step through the doorway to the next life. Ready to leap to the existence beyond the one she had lived and failed at miserably. She had threatened, ruined and destroyed
her life all at her own hands and now she was going to end it all in the same fashion.

All by myself

Don’t wanna be

Don’t want to live

/\/\

Chakotay had left Starfleet headquarters. He had headed home and changed, never to wear the red and black of Starfleet again. This part of his life was
over. Today he would meet up with Kathryn and pick his life up where he had left off a year ago. The last encounter he and Kathryn had had. He silently sent out thanks to B’Elanna for all she had done. Then he sent out a prayer to Kathryn that wherever she was, she was indeed okay.

/\/\

Kathryn peered over the ledge; she looked at the rocks below. Can I do it? She wasn’t sure if she was capable iof ending a life, even if it was hers…

/\/\

Chakotay searched the Star Charts and had eventually managed to pinpoint a planet called Santos VI. He had managed to get his hands on a small ship and had headed that way, precious cargo with him. “I love you Kearstin. I want you never to forget that.” He stroked the child’s tender cheek then went back to piloting the ship. The child gurgled happily in his arms. My, what a happy baby. “That’s right baby, we’re going to find mommy.”

She laughed, almost as if she understood his words. “You’re going to be a smart girl, just like you’re mamma aren’t you Kearstin.” He laughed at the look of awe in the child’s eyes. “Twenty minutes. Twenty minutes and things will be back the way they should be honey.”

/\/\

Kathryn had thought about it for a long time. She figured she had been up there already an hour. She was wearing Chakotay’s favorite dress. “I hope you’re happy Chakotay. You did it, you destroyed the ‘indestructible Kathryn Janeway’,” She yelled out. She knew no one heard her, but she cried out anyway. She had tears rolling down her cheeks. She stood up and walked to the edge. At that moment, time stopped for Kathryn…

/\/\

Chakotay had landed the shuttle. He walked out with Kearstin sleeping peacefully in his arms, unaware of the horrors of life around her. He heard a loud scream. It sounded like Kathryn; he remembered her voice as if it were only yesterday he had last heard it. He knew her, he needed her and he loved her. He quickened hi pace to a full-scale run.

/\/\

This is it Kathryn. She remembered what today was. It was exactly a year ago today that they had conceived Kearstin. Happy Anniversary, Kathryn. She approached the ledge for the final time. She got ready to leap and end it all.

/\/\

Chakotay saw a shadow of a person in the distance. He recognized the long auburn hair. When he looked carefully she was painfully thin. She was on the edge of a precipice. God…no, Kathryn.

“Kathryn…”

/\/\

Kathryn heard a voice. She knew the voice. Her mind was playing tricks on her. “No! It’s over.”

She felt a tug on her dress and spun around to see a ghost. “Chakotay?!” Kathryn rubbed her eyes. This wasn’t real. This wasn’t happening. No.

She tried to tear herself away and run to the cliff, but he wouldn’t let her. She looked down and saw the carrier. She saw her baby. The child had grown a fine down of auburn hair and her eyes, her eyes were still the same.

“Kathryn, it’s me, what are you doing? I’m here.”

“It’s not you. It can’t be. He left me a year ago. He left Kearstin, and me…and you’re my mind playing tricks on me. Just let me go, let me be.”

Chakotay looked at her. He didn’t know what to do. This was not the Kathryn he had known. Did I do this to her? Or did Starfleet do this to her. Starfleet and Section 31. and…

“Kathryn I never left you. Starfleet made me leave. They told me you were okay. They told me you had been given a promotion. They lied to me, just like they lied to you.” Chakotay saw a glimmer of hope in her eyes. He saw a glimmer of the Kathryn he had learned to love peek through. “They lied to you about me, about Justin, about your father. About Section 31…about everything.” He approached her, he saw her begin to shy away from him. “Kathryn, I love you.”

Chakotay looked at her face. She still looked unsure. Then he remembered. He had brought with him, one of the recordings that Kathryn had left for the child in the bassinet. Chakotay had especially liked this one. It seemed so appropriate to his and Kathryn’s situation and it was true. He played the son, and hoped it was enough.

Somewhere there’s a river
Looking for a stream
Somewhere there’s a dreamer
Looking for a dream
Somewhere there’s a drifter
Trying to find his way
Somewhere someone’s waiting
To hear somebody say

He saw the play of emotions run across her face. She was a dreamer. As of late, she was a drifter. Finally, she was waiting, waiting to hear the words. Waiting for someone to believe in her, to stop hurting her. To love her. The song continued.

I believe in you
I can’t even count the ways that
I believe in you
All I want to do is help you to
Believe in you

I want to help you Kathryn. I need you to see that I believe and I want to help you and I never stopped loving you.

Somewhere there’s an angel
Trying to earn his wings
Somewhere there’s a silent voice
Learning how to sing
Some of us can’t move ahead
We’re paralyzed with fear
And everybody’s listening
‘Cause we all need to hear

We all need to hear it. We all need to be told. Chakotay yelled over top of the noise as he approached her, as he got closer. “Kathryn, I believe in you. I want to help you. I need you to k now that this is the truth. And I’m not the only one who needs you.” He approached Kathryn, the words of the song resounding in the background.

I believe in you
I can’t even count the ways that
I believe in you
And all I want to do is help you to
Believe in you

He handed the child to Kathryn. She shied away…

I will hold you up
I will help you stand
I will comfort you when you need a friend
I will be the voice that’s call out

“Life is calling out to you Kathryn. Take a hold of it.” He placed the child a little closer to Kathryn. “She needs you Kathryn, damn it. If you won’t do it
for me, do it for her. She’s an innocent.”

Kathryn looked at the child asleep in his arms. She smelled the new baby smell. She realized she ached to hold the tiny creature. She needed to see her child. She needed to watch her grow up. “I want…”

I believe in you
I can’t even count the ways that
I believe in you
And all iI want to do is show you
I believe in you
And there are just so many ways that
I believe in you
Baby, what else can I do but believe in you – believe in you
All I want to know is you believe in you – believe in you (16)

Kathryn slowly reached for the child, taking the first step. “She’s so heavy. Have I been gone for that long?” Kathryn investigated every part of the child.
Finally she flipped the child over and looked for the mark. The mark of them, the mark of…

“Chakotay, is it really you? Is it really her? I love you. I’ve dreamed of this moment since the day I found out I was pregnant. I’m sorry I kept her from you, I’m sorry I lied to you, I’m…”

He reached for them both. He enveloped them in a hug full of promise. “Kathryn, it doesn’t matter anymore. I believe in you, I’ve found you and I love you, and that’s all that matters. From this day on, no more lies. No more hidden truths. And, for the record, and for all times, I always believed in you.”

Kathryn looked in the direction of her ‘home’. She was ready to re-initialize her life. To take command. “It’s time to go home Chakotay.”

The couple left their hell, and headed for heaven. There was a long road of healing ahead but they would make it. Love and belief would conquer all, and
Kathryn and Chakotay had both.

TBC in Date With Destiny II - Chapter 15: An Answer and an Ending

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